Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just want nice things and good sex
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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