I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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