We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
