I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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