Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
