my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
