Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
