I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
