and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
