You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
