you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
