I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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