Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
