i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
