wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
