My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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