I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize