My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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