i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
