Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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