i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
