So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
