You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize