At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
