apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
