haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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