at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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