Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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