my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
