My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
