you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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