one two three fourrrrnication!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
