Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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