even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
