I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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