and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
