My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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