This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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