dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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