Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
