You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
