just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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