There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
