Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
