I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
