apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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