I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
