I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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