just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
