Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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