I love black thongs
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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