We're facebook friends in real life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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