he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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