I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
