Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
God I need to hump something, right now.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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