I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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