I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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