My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
