i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
NoShamevember. You game?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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