So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
