So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
