im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
