God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
