1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
