The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
